Crime Robot

The quotable Andy Falkous

On Avenged Sevenfold: “I just want to know what they’re avenging seven times over… ‘cause even the things that really get on my nerves, I avenge them… twice?”

 On Cows: See ‘On Horses’

 On Germany: “The pressure comes personally; we don’t want to be some lame band who rehash their last record and as a result end up being popular in Germany. That’s how you get successful in Germany: just release the same record for 20 years.”

 On Guitar Gods: “And it was probably one very disappointed and very orange Paul Gilbert groupie who was forced to pay to get in and see that horrendous display of hammer-ons and a man with a hat on onstage.”

 On Holland: “Basically, in my opinion, Dutch crowds are a 15-phase argument against the legalization of marijuana. If you want to see the death of the human spirit, just play a show in most places in Holland.”

 On Horses: BETTER BOVINE THAN EQUINE.  See also: ‘On Hedgehogs’ and ‘On Porcupines’

 On mclusky’s First album: “That didn’t make a splash, so much as barely even filled the toilet.”

 On Music: “I suppose there are things in our music – quite a lot of what you could call bitterness there. That’s not something I particularly wanted. I just want to play music. Maybe there’s some nihilism, but I’m not on any explicit mission. I just think most music’s a pile of shit. That’s my basic bone of contention.”

 On “To Be With You” by Mr. Big: “I was at this party and I was quite excited to be there, firstly because I was 16 and hadn’t completely come to terms with how miserable I was, but also because there was a girl there I liked. And this guy, Kevin, who kind of modeled himself on how big a Pearl Jam fan he was, he put this song on. And I said, “I hate this song so much, it excites me,” so he put it on again. I might have smashed something. And then I thought, “It doesn’t matter what this night promises. It doesn’t matter how excited I am to be here.” The basic intrigue of the evening—whether sexual or basic alcohol—filled my heart with wonder, but I knew if he played that song again, I’d have to leave. And he did. And I went home. That’s how much I hate this song. I was willing to forgo a potential sexual liaison and drinks with my teenage friends in order to never hear this banal collection of fuck-fluff again.”

 On Writing: “Although I’m obviously in thrall to my influences, as is anybody who opens their mouth to sing in the company of words, I don’t have a particular form to my writing other than to limit its ridiculousness to merely silly.”

Die Hard is the greatest action movie ever made.  There is no denying this fact.  It is the father of all action movies.  The Mother.  When action movies wake up in the middle of the night crying, Die Hard walks across broken glass in its bare feet to give them their bottle.

 - Joey Comeau, We All Got It Coming

Selected synopses of the television show Sliders, from Wikipedia’s List of Sliders episodes.

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• In a world where Great Britain successfully suppressed the American Revolutionary War, the Sliders are embroiled in an assassination plot involving the heir to the throne and an evil Sheriff of San Francisco. 

• The Sliders find themselves in a present-day San Francisco where the “Summer of Love” never ended—and Wade and Rembrandt are mistaken for extraterrestrial prophets. Oliver North is shown to be President of the United States in this universe. 

• On an alternate Earth immersed in occult practices, Quinn becomes the target of a shaman who demands his brain as payment for services rendered. 

• The sliders get involved with doubles of the same group of people on three different worlds, including the double of a high school girlfriend of Quinn. In one of the worlds, time is moving in the opposite direction, causing them to be in prison, then taken to their arraignment before being set free. 

• The sliders land in the middle of a real live-action war game that they must finish in order to escape. 

• The sliders land on a world where men get pregnant. Rembrandt is mistakenly confused for his double and is impregnated with his double’s son. 

• The sliders land on a world where a giant worm eats people. 

• Wade makes friends with vampire musicians who want to steal the timer.

• Maggie and Colin are given drugs in a society where drug use is mandatory and people can be arrested for non-possession. 

• The sliders land on a world where caffeine is outlawed. 

• On a world with a television program based on the sliders’ adventures, a psychic predicts the sliders’ fate; they die in their next slide, and he begs Rembrandt, Maggie, Diana and Mallory stay. Although once again they do not want to stay. Their timer is destroyed and they have to find another way out, but there’s a catch, only one can go. Rembrant goes because he was already infected with the Kromagg killing virus. The episode ends on a cliffhanger, with the rest of the characters wondering what to do.